Long-Lost Lovers Reunited: A Different Kind of Romance

Dr. Nancy Kalish, Professor of Psychology at California State University, Sacramento, was honored by her fellow psychologists to be invited to address the Western Psychological Association's Annual Convention , May 3, 2003, in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Drawing from her ten years of research with couples who tried rekindled romances, Dr. Kalish's address focused on new data and offered suggestions for therapists who have clients obsessed with old flames, or already reunited with old flames, often as extramarital affairs.

Kalish is the international expert on love reunions. She began her highly publicized Lost Love Project in 1993, an international landmark study of people ages 18 to 95 who tried to reunite with a lost lover 5 or more years after their separation. Her early research findings, and the tales of recaptured love in the couples' own words, were published in LOST & FOUND LOVERS: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances (Morrow, 1997).

Kalish's research has continued, focusing on first loves, and the participants now number more than 2000. The most significant change that the Internet has brought about with this population of reunited couples is that now the technology is creating these couples with ease. Now long-lost lovers are reuniting who would never have found each other - indeed, would not have searched for each other -- had it not been for web sites and search engines that are set up specifically to make the task of finding someone easy and casual.

But there is a decidedly detrimental and unexpected consequence to looking for lost loves online: marriages that probably would have survived have crumbled when a lost lover entered the picture. Kalish's 1993-1996 research indicated an extramarital rate among these couples of 30%. Currently, the extramarital rate of the couples who contact Kalish is running at 82%, and most of these people have found each other on the Internet.
These people thought they could merely catch up on old times, get "closure," or even have lunch with this old friend. But the initial, safe email message is followed by many others. When that is not enough, the phone calls start, and then the visits. The innocence is gone and the angst begins. The therapy often begins at that point as well.

Half of their marriages were described as "in trouble," but half were described by the participants as "happily married" prior to the lost love affair. Unlike an average affair, Kalish's rekindled couples left their spouses for each other 74% of the time. These lovers knew each other in their formative years - they grew up in the same town, went to school together, were usually first loves; they knew each other's families. This is not a fantasy. It is a love that was interrupted.

Because they regretted the many years they spent apart, the research participants told Kalish that they moved together very quickly after they resumed contact with each other. Relatives, friends, and therapists often expressed alarm at the haste at which the lost lovers uprooted their lives to be with their lost lovers. They seemed to be involved in impulsive life changes that they would soon regret. But this was not the case. In 10 years of research with 2000 participants, Kalish has found not one lost lover who left a marriage to be with his or her lost lover and then regretted that decision.

There is a different history and outcome for these romances compared to average romances: this love preceded their love for their spouses, and these lost love reunions enjoy very successful outcomes. In contrast, marriages formed by typical affair partners break up most of the time. Therapists who do not treat their lost love clients differently from the average "cheaters" have very angry ex-clients! Then these people write to Kalish and complain about their therapy experiences.

Ideally, therapists should learn about the rekindled romance phenomenon, to understand that this is a different kind of romance.

If the client has already begun the lost love affair, it will do little good to counsel him or her back into the marriage by saying that lost love is just a fantasy, or a midlife crisis. They know that their rekindled love is real love. They are right; the divorce rate in Kalish's sample of over 2000 couples is 1.5%! Instead, if therapists would help these men and women to understand rekindled romance and to deal with the consequences of their decisions, this would be most appreciated by their clients.

Kalish's lost love participants reported that they were blind-sided; they had not expected their feelings to return, with a vengeance, from their past. They did not understand the risks to their marriages. If a therapy client asks if he or she should contact a lost lover, the client should be advised that strong feelings often surface unexpectedly.

Any medium can be misused, and technology should not be blamed for these marital problems, says Kalish. For people who are single, divorced, or widowed, rekindled romances are a fantastic way to find one's soul mate. Dr. Nancy Kalish is the Official Relationship Expert for reunion.com.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. (pronounced Kay´ lish) is a psychology professor at California State University, Sacramento, where she teaches courses on human development. She received her B.A. from Douglass College (Rutgers University) and her doctorate from the Graduate Center, City University of New York. In addition to her popular book, Lost & Found Lovers, Dr. Kalish has had numerous articles published in professional journals and presented at national psychology conferences.
Dr. Kalish is the international expert on rekindled romances, lost loves, and first love, and has been in great demand as a speaker on this upbeat topic. She discussed her early findings on lost love on Oprah, 20/20, NPR, CNN, and Good Day New York. After the publication of Lost & Found Lovers, she was booked as a guest for Montel, and Dear Abby devoted an entire column to a letter from Dr. Kalish that warned married couples not to search for lost lovers. Modern Maturity, Mademoiselle, The Chicago Tribune, Parade, and Men's Health are among many diverse media appearances she has had worldwide.

In most cases, Dr. Kalish can also suggest couples for your show.

Who are the prime candidates to rekindle a romance?
How do they find each other after so many years?
Is Lost & Found Love successful the second time around?
Why does rekindled love endure?
What if the couple were "first loves"?
Are rekindled romances more intense than other loves?
What did the author uncover about rekindled sex?
Why should Kalish's book be "required reading" for parents of adolescents?
What can teenagers learn from this book?
Is there anyone who should avoid seeking a Lost Love?

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