1) Give yourself time to heal. This will be a long process. How long did you have your lost love in your life during the reunion? It will take that amount of time or longer to get over him or her. But the feelings of loss will gradually lessen in intensity throughout this process. For many people, there are daily thoughts of the lost love throughout the first year, then days without any thoughts or sad feelings about the lost love in the second year, and feelings of peace and recovery in the third year.
2) There is usually an addictive quality to rekindled romances, to the excitement of the extreme highs and lows. You will go through an addiction withdrawal when your reunion ends. Borrow from the 12 Step
programs:
Picture yourself as an addict and go cold turkey… any communication with your lost love will set you back to Day One in your recovery. Do not take out mementos to look at, and do not listen to songs that will remind you of your lost love. Do not go to places (even online) that encourage talk about your reunion. Tell your close friends to stop you when you try to talk about the lost love. You want to take your focus off of your lost love in every way.
3) Obsessive thoughts often indicate depression. Even when you were with your lost love (especially if you were together as extramarital affair partners) you probably experienced the angst of uncertainty, fear, sadness. You are, and have been, grieving. For some people, anti-depressants help to correct the chemical imbalances triggered by the loss of a love. If the obsession can be lessened, you will heal easier.
But, the more you consciously try not to think of the lost love, the more you will think of the broken romance (like that proverbial “elephant in the living room”). Let the thoughts come, but have a plan for what to do when they do come, a substitute action that precludes thinking about the lost love. The plan must be good night or day, so don’t choose going to the gym.
4) Romances take up a lot of time. When you don’t have that to fill the hours, the obsession takes over. Plan your time so it is filled in new ways, especially at times of the day when you used to be with, or talk to, your lost love.
5) A lost love is often an ambiguous loss. The person is still alive, after all, so it’s hard to get rid of even false hopes. If you envision your situation as something only this lost love can fix, you have no power and that’s depressing! You also wait for the person to return. The way to handle this better is to assert your own decision: this person or situation was not good for you and it’s your choice to end it.
6) if your lost love is married and that’s why the reunion didn’t work, there is something helpful that you can do to get over him/her, or at least to stop the obsession at that moment (you will not like this, but it works):
Hang a sign – or if you, too, are married, put a note somewhere in your computer or wallet, where you can access it and stare at it immediately. This is the harsh reality which is what makes it effective; it leaves no room for denial, and that is what leads to healing:
[Lost Love's name] is married.
She/He lives with his/her wife/husband [spouse's name] and their children [names here].
And every day, [Lost Love's name] chooses to live with her/him (i.e., the spouse).
And every day, [Lost Love's name] chooses not to live with me.
7) Some people, perhaps a psychotherapist, might tell you to “pretend that your spouse is your lost love, to generate the same sexual feelings.” That’s a good idea — and it’s not pretending. The feelings are inside you, part of you, formed with your teen sweetheart many years ago. The feelings are not about the lost love today. They are emotional memories that were stored in your brain.
The passion is yours to use as you want. It wasn’t the lost love who was sexy. It was you. Enjoy that part of yourself.
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